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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Life does go on...

Ive been avoiding doing this one for a while but i knew i should, for me and for everyone out there who might find it helpful.......

 I came home from school one day to find that my mother was not my mother anymore, she was sick. She was so for probably two more months before she could not handle it anymore and died. The night before i had basically prayed on it to happen...you would have done the same thing too in my position. I was 17 at the time, doing my form 4, quite mature for my age but young nonetheless.
Even though i knew it had to happen it was still pretty much shocking, expected but shocking .... pretty much confusing. i did not cry, no! My uncle would assign people to watch out for me, suicide watch. My reaction probably shocked them, they thought i would take it hard. He would encourage me to not spend much time alone. Its hard though, you want to be alone but then you get lonely and want company but that company revolts you and you want to be alone....pretty much how i felt all week as people kept looking at me weird expecting me to burst into tears telling me just ok it is. We buried her and life moved on without her, which is what this post is mostly about.

Firstly il say this, i was sad and still am. She was my mother. But the most significant emotion was probably the anger, i was sooo angry. Angry at her, like really mom? how could you die? now? What about me?, i was angry at the world and mostly at her religion and the God she prayed to who watched her deteriorate and die. I felt so lost and confused most of the time so i sought solace in the only thing i had come to know and love, school. School had always been that kind of place ever since i was young, i totally forgot any problems i had when i stepped into those gates....the people around me there made my days. I spent all day at school, came home late, ate, slept, studied, watched some TV. It was my last year so it went by fast and schools closed and i had to stay at home and fully reflect on my situation.

Thats when i realised just how sad and angry i was....i had no interest in what my age mates did then. Booze, parties, dating etc...i could care less, all i did was sleep, eat and watch TV... I was already a Harry Potter fan then but il forever thank god for the day i got my hands on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, it was no self help book on how to get over loss of a loved one. That book helped me through a lot when basically i had a bleak prospect about the future, Sirius Black dies in that book, Harry's father figure and the emotions he went through hit closer to home than people cared to know....a lot of people who knew me then knew i was into Harry Potter but they never knew why? Then i delved on the paper and pen....i vented my anger on poetry and short stories and realised i felt lighter and lighter with every piece. I still maintain that my best pieces of work were written then.

Fact of the matter is i missed her and i still do....she was not only my mother but my friend also. She basically taught me just what being a parent means albeit she never missed the opportunity to tell me how horrible of a mistake i had been (story for another time).

But as with everything in life we lose we have to let go.... and let go i did. It took a long time but i learnt to forgive, myself for being selfish and inconsiderate, her for leaving so early before she could see me become the man she always wanted me to be and mostly God. I have not forgotten her but i have to live my life like she intended me to.

Lessons Learned
if i am half the parent she was i know il be a great dad.
I have a great family that loves me, the death of my mother basically braught me and my sister a lot closer...i realised how much i loved her and just what i would do to protect her. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl a year later, a direct replacement...the love of my life, my niece...more reason to celebrate life. My whole extended family basically bended over to make feel safe, wanted and loved. And friends who would come over just to have a chat.
I will love my mother always but she is gone and life goes on, i just want everyone out there to see the positives when a loved dies, its not the end and do not make their death seem like it was in vain and waste you life too.


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