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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Open Letter to Jacob Zuma



Dear Jacob

Welcome to Botswana. I hope as you travel around you do not hit a cow; they are I hear more than the population of humans here.

Let me not beat the bush by walking around it and go straight to the thick of things. I must say I am disappointed in these pseudo-intellects, wannabe artists and fame-mongers who insist on repeatedly painting your spear for the whole world to see and speculate on its size and whatever the perverts desire. I do feel you are soft on them, talk to brother Gabriel Mugabe, he will give you a few pointers on how to use your power to silence, alienate without drawing much attention (avoid letting him know I recommended you to him)

Secondly let me say find it in your heart to put forward policies and treaties that would be mutually beneficial to your country and ours rather than ones that will continue to enslave us to your country’s industrial superiority. We are tired of being the malnutrition-ed child in this relationship. I am just saying we have bent over continuously to make your country ‘happy’ more than necessary.

I also would like to employ you to experiment with bringing back the death penalty to the rainbow nation now that the Boers are no longer in power and will not over-use it on you and all. I am saying this because due to the ease of access to weapons South Africans have virtually reduced the value of human life to almost nothing. I am deeply saddened everytime I watch the news and someone has senselessly lost a life to needless violence in your country. Then they are given multiple life sentences so that tax-payer money would feed and clothe them until they die. Take a leaf from the book of Botswana and let murderers be hanged, they will think twice about killing someone for a bottle of beer. I am also praying for your Police service and Miners after the tragedy of the dead miners. Some were holding pangas, assegais, sticks and the other groups armed with semi-automatics, both equally dangerous weapons. Death would and should have been avoided.

Mr President I have been babbling, I have veered off my intended mission. I write this here communique to for my own president’s own good. I am sure by now you have noticed that our president Lt Gen Seretse Khama Ian Khama rides solo, so to speak. I am impressed at how you have been able to bag yourself a couple of wives effortlessly, you strong Zulu man. I therefore ask that you give our president pointers or tricks up your sleeves or just a nudge on the back, so he gives us a first lady. You must admit yourself it is rather awkward and downright weird that we have no first lady. We cannot have your wives being entertained by cabinet ministers when they should have been trading secrets with other first ladies. It was also this un-comfortable when Michelle Obama visited last year; they had to rope in Venson-Moitoi to keep her company. I hear rumors that when you hold meetings with King Mswati III you laugh about it, which is rude. I am very serious when I ask you this favour Mr President.

I daresay this is a matter of national importance, I am a concerned Motswana.

If all fails I hope you will consider offering one of your beautiful daughters to our president, the move would surely strengthen relations and we will be forever indebted to you.

I however hope your general stay here will be wonderful. Please take what I said into serious consideration.  

Yours in good faith

LpN

PS: If you feel the need to take home with you a nubile young Motswana woman, tell me, I will gladly volunteer one of my cousins. Very well behaved.

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